Inspiring Trust

Robin Dreeke is an expert on the practical applications of behavioral psychology, expertise he developed through years of service in the United States Marine Corps and with the FBI as a counterintelligence specialist. 

His first book, It's Not About Me: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone, explains in succinct, readable prose the methods of persuasion and influence Dreeke used to lead Marines and recruit spies.  Dreeke expands on the subject in his follow-up book, The Code of Trust (St. Martin's Press, 2017), helping readers understand that inspiring trust in your co-workers, spouse, kids, or neighbors is not as simple as having a nice smile or deploying a personality trick at just the right time.

Rather, building trust flows from a good rapport, which develops when you understand how to do these five things: suspend your ego; refrain from judgment; resist temptation to debate or exaggerate or manipulate; find what is trustworthy in others and validate that; and, most importantly, be generous, even when the other person doesn't immediately reciprocate the trust you give.  Following these principles helps develop what Dreeke calls "trust networks," which are clusters of people who surround and support you through success and hardship, people who understand your value and can act to affirm it when life becomes most difficult.

Both books are written for a wide audience, particularly people working in sales and, of course, management.  Whether you are leading a company of Marines, a team of civil service professionals, or if you simply hope to make a better first impression at your next duty station, Dreeke's books give you tried-and-true tools to gain trust and thrive in our unrelenting, often cutthroat world.  Below is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation.

Well, that's a big question, but my simple formula comes down to three things: safety, security and prosperity.  People will act out of these same three things, always.  So, the key is figuring out how a person will view and prioritize safety, security and prosperity, and it changes constantly.  Once you have a sense of what matters to the other person, and in what order, you can predict how he or she will behave.  It works every time.

My first lessons in building trust were with my drill instructors at Parris Island.  My mission as a junior officer was to ensure my Marines could be as successful as possible and accomplishing that mission required that I learn how to be selfless.  It took humility to stop seeking opportunities for me and instead focus on building up my Marines. 

Years later, after spending the first part of my career with the FBI recruiting spies as part of the Bureau's counterintelligence program, I ended up at the Academy in Quantico teaching the techniques I applied in the field.  It was during those years that, for the first time, I had to put words to some of the behaviors used to build trust and rapport, both as an FBI agent and as a Marine.  So, I started writing articles about behavioral analysis, thinking more deeply about my experiences recruiting spies and leading Marines, talking to neighbors and family members. 

The more I thought about my work, the more I realized that trust is at the center of everything.  First, you build rapport, which grows into trust, then you get a healthy relationship, which is always the big goal.  Many of us, myself included, struggle to make it about somebody other than ourselves, whether at work or in our personal relationships.

So, I will tell you that it took failure—massive failure—for me to learn these lessons.  My books are manuals on how not to mess up at things!   

Putting others first is the biggest step you can take toward building trust.

I believe that if you have healthy relationships, then everything else will fall in place.  Failures along the way become vectors and guides, but if you are not intentional about understanding people—their views, feelings and ideas—you will fail to achieve the things you set out to do. 

Both of my kids are following through on their dreams right now, and I'm proud of them for it, but I failed where they haven't because I didn't realize the importance of cultivating teachers, mentors and guides.  You must be open and able to say, 'I need help' or 'I am lost' or 'what can I learn from this experience.'

I believe in karma, too, both in daily life and in my business.  When I make sure that I am in service to others—taking emails or LinkedIn connections—I am continuously rewarded.  If I can do it and there is no harm, then I make sure to do so because that's how you build your life, build your brand and invite a network of people and opportunities that will serve you through life.  Being generous is the coolest thing in the world—psychologically, it is so healthy that we shouldn't even care if it never comes back around.  Fortunately, it usually does.

This relates first to what I learned in the Marine Corps—the after-action report. 

What went well?  Write that down.  What went sideways?  Write that down twice.  I make this exercise my personal mantra, trying to understand how the world sees me and how best I can respond. 

Mediocre people plan for Plan A.  Better people plan for Plan B.  The best people know that Plan C is the one that will play out.  Accepting that failure will occur is the first step toward planning your comeback.

First, you align goals, which starts with you giving yourself a clear awareness of your goals.  Once you give a label to your own priorities, then you need to look at potential partners and teammates and do the same thing, finding the people whose dreams and goals fall into an alignment with yours.

Second is context.  Experience.  Demographic.  Hopes and dreams.  You must exercise nonjudgmental curiosity about the other person to build a context around him or her and, once you do, generate an affiliation.  Whether you are a spy or espionage subject, you have to identify the all-important common ground, and you do that by building out the person's context.  Look at economic background.  Religion.  Orientation. 

Here's a quick example that may help to explain.  Several years ago, I remember talking to a Marine company commander.  He told me a story about his tour in Iraq, recalling a time that an Iraqi elder he worked with really started opening up to him, getting even a bit long-winded about some chickens the elder owned at his house.  The company commander was listening to this long story, probably a little bored, when a junior Marine he was with interrupted the elder to ask a question.  That was wrong.  When you find yourself in a conversation where the other party is finally telling you something of importance, whether about his family or his tribe or even about the chickens roaming around his yard, that's when you have to shut up and listen, letting the context build around him.

Third, we craft encounters.  This is the who, what, where, when, and why.  Who do they need me to be?  What kind of person do they want to trust?  What kind of things do I need to offer?  Where is a good place to meet that will make them comfortable and at ease?  What time of day is best to conduct the meeting?  'Why' is the most important question. 

Most of the time, when people are given a task, we think in terms of 'how can I convince the other person,' and this is completely self-centered.  We should stop thinking about convincing someone and start thinking about inspiring someone.  People take actions out of inspiration, not coercion.  I always ask myself, why should this person want to talk to me? I use the answer to get at the inspiration. 

Finally, once I have accomplished those three points, then I make an emotional connection.  If I communicate what I hope they will do in relation to the first three things, then I usually get where I am trying to go. 

Able Magwitch is a U.S. government employee. His views are his own and not representative of the U.S. government or its agencies.